https://badboob.wordpress.com/2017/07/17/just-the-facts-maam/

JUST THE FACTS MA’AM

Posted on July 17, 2017 by #badboob under bilateral mastectomy

FACT: CANCER FUCKING SUCKS

FACT: I SURVIVED IT

FACT: SURROUND YOURSELF WITH POSITIVITY AN UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

FACT: NOT EVERYONE WILL BE ON YOUR SIDE

FACT: YOUR FEELINGS MATTER

FACT: YOUR THOUGHTS ARE VALID

FACT: DON’T FEEL ASHAMED, FOR ANY OF THIS

FACT: THERE WILL BE PARTS OF YOUR BODY THAT REMAIN PAINFULLY NUMB

FACT: NO AMOUNT OF GOOGLE RESEARCH CAN PREPARE YOU FOR ANY OF THE SHIT THAT WILL HAPPEN TO YOUR BODY AND MIND.

FACT: DON’T SHUT YOUR LOVED ONES OUT. 

FACT: DON’T GET OFFENDED WHEN LOVED ONES SEEM INTENSIVE TO YOUR NEEDS OR YOUR THOUGHTS,  DON’T FULLY UNDERSTAND; AND PROBABLY NEVER WILL.

FACT: JOURNALING HELPS

FACT: THERE IS SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS WHERE YOU ARE, WHERE YOU’RE GOING, AND THEY ARE WILLING TO TALK TO YOU. MANY SURVIVORS BECOME ADVOCATES AFTER THEIR FIGHT, THEY ARE WAITING FOR YOU TO TAP THEIR CONSCIOUS WITH YOUR STORY AND TOUCH YOUR HEART WITH THEIR COMPASSION.

What cancer does to the human race is infuckinhumane. Fucking shit needs to stop, like now. So many kids with cancer, seriously? So many new cancer diagnosis’s. Souls taken away from us. It’s all too much…..this is when my mind goes into the dark, and dwells.

I’m working on improving my mind. Ya know what? When you keep replaying events in your head like a loop, it slowly takes you into a dark place. Obv, if given the opportunity to go through breast cancer now, I’d change a fuckton of things I did/said. Some of that shit still haunts me now. I’d also expected different behaviors from certain folks as they probably expected different from me. But ya know what, I expected different from them as well…..breast cancer, chemo, treatment, recovery…..all that shit wreaks havoc……but alas, I can only change my ways and my self. I’m so not the woman I was when diagnosed with breast cancer some 602 days ago. Fuck, I’m not even the same woman I was a few months ago. Life goes on……

A year ago I was still suffering with the pain of my breast tissue expanders, crazy chemo port [it was always angry. skin always red and irritated]. So many doctor visits. Pokes. Questions. Fuck the questions. Always the same shit for all the nurses then regurgitate for the doctors…..I couldn’t even think straight, but knew my dates meds and shit like that, didn’t know what I was. Didn’t feel human. None of the shit happening to me, my family was humane. Not one fucking bit.

Anyhoo, here I sit.

Getting active in various programs, Getting invited to speak about my experience. Me!? They want me to talk about my experience. With fucking breast cancer. For all the times during my journey that others were uncomfortable with my story telling styles and openness with what I went through— well yeah— discovering what type of advocacy work I like and would like to pursue further. Talking with friends. Talking, being the key. You can’t keep that shit in.  Thanking you all for all your help and support during my bout with breast cancer. Listening to my friends that are terminal, learning so much from them and their strength. Talking with those newly diagnosed. Laughing with warriors over all the inappropriate shit we’ve gone through and continue to go through on a daily basis….we need to….just to get by. Others won’t understand. It’s when you stop trying to get others to ‘get you’ will you be able to feel free…..something I’m still learning after the fact……

Today will be better

*I began this post in December, put in hold, updated a bit, held again….

Ripped from me, stitched and sewn and told I’m gonna ‘alright’.

Dear OG Boobs –

It’s been almost two years since you’ve been amputated from my chest. One of you fuckers had two motherfucking cancers, the other, well you were just a casualty of the cancer. Sorry rightie, I had to sacrifice you in the name of cancer. Sometimes you have to do something, even when you don’t want to or never thought you’d have to do, in the name of health. I lived with the knowledge of cancer growing in my tit for 29 days. I freaked the fuck out all 29 days. Every second, minute, hour, all of it was in freak out mode. 

We all know what happens when cancer is left untreated. I can’t even imagine the horrible shape

I’d be in today had I not acted upon the lump in my tit. Had I not bent over at the time to feel that malicious lump, I may have never found it. Had I not been extremely intimate with my body, that lump could have went undetected. I totally feel I escaped something, what? I’m not sure, death perhaps. There have been doctors, testing, unclear test results, poking, sewing, the whole shebang has been done to my body this past year. 

So goodbye cancer tit. I’ll remember all the good times we’ve had. All those warm nights, cozy shirts, crazy cold days, the back aches, the lopsided nipples mocking me…..goodbye tits

 

So here I sit. Type. To you one year later.

And kids, I’ve been cancer free for over a year!

One fucking year of being CANCER FREE!!

Even though I’m cancer free, (as far as I know. not been tested again), I still worry every bump or sore spot that forms in nooks and crannies of my bones could be cancer. Silly I know. But it’s a common reaction, so I have read. Talk about scared, the ulcerative laryngitis I just recovered from, I was certain I’d need another surgery to remove those ulcers. Nope. Thank fuck. They cleared up with meds.

I understand that ‘reconstruction’ means to redo….I knew my boobs would be redone. Obv…They were gone. But I really had no idea the extent of odd discomfort from these Monitor High Profile’s…..The cold. Ermahgerd….fuck me…I’m so cold…..So imagine a nipple freeze if you will. Then remove nipple and whole boob is cold. In the shower the other day, I was freezing. Fucking winter time. So hot water is on full blast, my arms are crossed under my boobs, the hot water is pooling and turning cold….instantly…That’s a big mindfuck. Don’t know if you recall how clumsy I’ve mentioned I am. Still surprised I’ve not popped them while falling up the stairs {cry smile emoji}.

This time of year is usually a bit more difficult for most. Take a moment to extend a smile, your hand. You never know what will transpire from your act of kindness. Not only will you feel better. If you’re like me, you’re trying to be a better person than you were the day before….keep striving to be decent. So you are working on your own journey, while possible helping another one out…..without even knowing it. Unless you guys strike up a convo and become bff’s or some shit.

I’ve not forgotten about all who helped me this time last year. I saved all your guyz’s addresses and shit. I planned to send cards. But slacker.

Most importantly, trust your gut. Stick to your values, don’t let others sway you. Don’t let others snuff your light. Not all will understand your point of view, but it is yours…. Reach out for help. All your feelings, thoughts, and concerns are valid post cancer. Others, who’ve not had cancer, may not understand…..they will try to silence you, your thoughts, and monitor your every move……THIS IS YOUR LIFE. Appreciate those you have. Know their worth. Know your value.