https://badboob.wordpress.com/2017/07/17/just-the-facts-maam/

JUST THE FACTS MA’AM

Posted on July 17, 2017 by #badboob under bilateral mastectomy

FACT: CANCER FUCKING SUCKS

FACT: I SURVIVED IT

FACT: SURROUND YOURSELF WITH POSITIVITY AN UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

FACT: NOT EVERYONE WILL BE ON YOUR SIDE

FACT: YOUR FEELINGS MATTER

FACT: YOUR THOUGHTS ARE VALID

FACT: DON’T FEEL ASHAMED, FOR ANY OF THIS

FACT: THERE WILL BE PARTS OF YOUR BODY THAT REMAIN PAINFULLY NUMB

FACT: NO AMOUNT OF GOOGLE RESEARCH CAN PREPARE YOU FOR ANY OF THE SHIT THAT WILL HAPPEN TO YOUR BODY AND MIND.

FACT: DON’T SHUT YOUR LOVED ONES OUT. 

FACT: DON’T GET OFFENDED WHEN LOVED ONES SEEM INTENSIVE TO YOUR NEEDS OR YOUR THOUGHTS,  DON’T FULLY UNDERSTAND; AND PROBABLY NEVER WILL.

FACT: JOURNALING HELPS

FACT: THERE IS SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS WHERE YOU ARE, WHERE YOU’RE GOING, AND THEY ARE WILLING TO TALK TO YOU. MANY SURVIVORS BECOME ADVOCATES AFTER THEIR FIGHT, THEY ARE WAITING FOR YOU TO TAP THEIR CONSCIOUS WITH YOUR STORY AND TOUCH YOUR HEART WITH THEIR COMPASSION.

What cancer does to the human race is infuckinhumane. Fucking shit needs to stop, like now. So many kids with cancer, seriously? So many new cancer diagnosis’s. Souls taken away from us. It’s all too much…..this is when my mind goes into the dark, and dwells.

I’m working on improving my mind. Ya know what? When you keep replaying events in your head like a loop, it slowly takes you into a dark place. Obv, if given the opportunity to go through breast cancer now, I’d change a fuckton of things I did/said. Some of that shit still haunts me now. I’d also expected different behaviors from certain folks as they probably expected different from me. But ya know what, I expected different from them as well…..breast cancer, chemo, treatment, recovery…..all that shit wreaks havoc……but alas, I can only change my ways and my self. I’m so not the woman I was when diagnosed with breast cancer some 602 days ago. Fuck, I’m not even the same woman I was a few months ago. Life goes on……

A year ago I was still suffering with the pain of my breast tissue expanders, crazy chemo port [it was always angry. skin always red and irritated]. So many doctor visits. Pokes. Questions. Fuck the questions. Always the same shit for all the nurses then regurgitate for the doctors…..I couldn’t even think straight, but knew my dates meds and shit like that, didn’t know what I was. Didn’t feel human. None of the shit happening to me, my family was humane. Not one fucking bit.

Anyhoo, here I sit.

Getting active in various programs, Getting invited to speak about my experience. Me!? They want me to talk about my experience. With fucking breast cancer. For all the times during my journey that others were uncomfortable with my story telling styles and openness with what I went through— well yeah— discovering what type of advocacy work I like and would like to pursue further. Talking with friends. Talking, being the key. You can’t keep that shit in.  Thanking you all for all your help and support during my bout with breast cancer. Listening to my friends that are terminal, learning so much from them and their strength. Talking with those newly diagnosed. Laughing with warriors over all the inappropriate shit we’ve gone through and continue to go through on a daily basis….we need to….just to get by. Others won’t understand. It’s when you stop trying to get others to ‘get you’ will you be able to feel free…..something I’m still learning after the fact……

Today will be better

*I began this post in December, put in hold, updated a bit, held again….

Ripped from me, stitched and sewn and told I’m gonna ‘alright’.

Dear OG Boobs –

It’s been almost two years since you’ve been amputated from my chest. One of you fuckers had two motherfucking cancers, the other, well you were just a casualty of the cancer. Sorry rightie, I had to sacrifice you in the name of cancer. Sometimes you have to do something, even when you don’t want to or never thought you’d have to do, in the name of health. I lived with the knowledge of cancer growing in my tit for 29 days. I freaked the fuck out all 29 days. Every second, minute, hour, all of it was in freak out mode. 

We all know what happens when cancer is left untreated. I can’t even imagine the horrible shape

I’d be in today had I not acted upon the lump in my tit. Had I not bent over at the time to feel that malicious lump, I may have never found it. Had I not been extremely intimate with my body, that lump could have went undetected. I totally feel I escaped something, what? I’m not sure, death perhaps. There have been doctors, testing, unclear test results, poking, sewing, the whole shebang has been done to my body this past year. 

So goodbye cancer tit. I’ll remember all the good times we’ve had. All those warm nights, cozy shirts, crazy cold days, the back aches, the lopsided nipples mocking me…..goodbye tits

 

So here I sit. Type. To you one year later.

And kids, I’ve been cancer free for over a year!

One fucking year of being CANCER FREE!!

Even though I’m cancer free, (as far as I know. not been tested again), I still worry every bump or sore spot that forms in nooks and crannies of my bones could be cancer. Silly I know. But it’s a common reaction, so I have read. Talk about scared, the ulcerative laryngitis I just recovered from, I was certain I’d need another surgery to remove those ulcers. Nope. Thank fuck. They cleared up with meds.

I understand that ‘reconstruction’ means to redo….I knew my boobs would be redone. Obv…They were gone. But I really had no idea the extent of odd discomfort from these Monitor High Profile’s…..The cold. Ermahgerd….fuck me…I’m so cold…..So imagine a nipple freeze if you will. Then remove nipple and whole boob is cold. In the shower the other day, I was freezing. Fucking winter time. So hot water is on full blast, my arms are crossed under my boobs, the hot water is pooling and turning cold….instantly…That’s a big mindfuck. Don’t know if you recall how clumsy I’ve mentioned I am. Still surprised I’ve not popped them while falling up the stairs {cry smile emoji}.

This time of year is usually a bit more difficult for most. Take a moment to extend a smile, your hand. You never know what will transpire from your act of kindness. Not only will you feel better. If you’re like me, you’re trying to be a better person than you were the day before….keep striving to be decent. So you are working on your own journey, while possible helping another one out…..without even knowing it. Unless you guys strike up a convo and become bff’s or some shit.

I’ve not forgotten about all who helped me this time last year. I saved all your guyz’s addresses and shit. I planned to send cards. But slacker.

Most importantly, trust your gut. Stick to your values, don’t let others sway you. Don’t let others snuff your light. Not all will understand your point of view, but it is yours…. Reach out for help. All your feelings, thoughts, and concerns are valid post cancer. Others, who’ve not had cancer, may not understand…..they will try to silence you, your thoughts, and monitor your every move……THIS IS YOUR LIFE. Appreciate those you have. Know their worth. Know your value. 

You'll Get Pneumonia In Your Ass

YOU’LL GET PNEUMONIA IN YOUR ASS, TARA

Posted on January 9, 2017 by #badboob under alopecia, american cancer society making strides against breast cancer, amputation, amputee, bad boob, badboob, bilateral mastectomy, bills, biopsy, blog, boobs, bravery, brca2, Breast Cancer, breast cancer awareness, breast reduction, breath, breathe, cancer, cancer free, cancer is a whore, cbc, celexia, chemo, chemo cold caps, chemo port, chemotherapy, double mastectomy, drain bulb, early detection, emotions, environmental, exchange surgery, expanders, fabreeze, facts of life, family, feel yourself, fighter, finances, fml, freaking out, friends, friendship, fuck cancer, fuck you, generosity, gift, grief, guilt, hair loss, happiness, health, hero, heroic, holidays, hope, hormone replacement therapy, hospital, hysterectomy, implants, Invasive ductile carcinoma, invasive lobular carcinoma, journey, kicking cancers ass, ladycave, life, life changing, life sucks, love, lysol, macy's, model, walk, proud, Making Strides, mammogram, mark up, mastectomy, menstruation, mindfuck, motivation, nerves, nervous, New Year, nipples, No filter, Oncotype DX, parenting, party, peen, period, plastic surgeon, pneumonia, post op, power port, premarin, presents, raw, real life, recovery, sacred, scared, smile, snoopy, spirit, strength, strong, suck it cancer, surgeon, surgery, survivor, suture, tamoxifen, testing, thriver, titanium marker, tits, tumors, Uncategorized, viral, warrior, weight, xanax

Uhm, thanks Flo (my grandmother). That always cracked me the fuck up. I mean why my ass? When my lungs were always fucked up? What is the correlation?  My Flo, was always good like that….I’d get a cold in my ass, she’d put my ass in a sling, pneumonia in my ass…..not quite sure why she was obsessed with getting colds in my ass. Not sure her her reasoning for this way of thinking….Could be her mother’s influence. Irene, my great grandmother immigrated from Budapest to Ellis Island, with the family, in the early teen’s…..I know they faced real threats of illness on that boat ride.. What really happened during that trip? hmmm…..

So here I sit with a Vicks bib, tissues, a strong ass antibiotic, and nebulizer watching my guys play in the snow. Yup, I’m the chick that has a hysterectomy in the summer; preventing me from swimming. And pneumonia in the winter; preventing me from snowman construction. Winner winner 43 year old loser. [cry laughing emoji]

So it seems once you graduate from chemotherapy your body will never be the same. Ever. regardless of what those around you may say….You haven’t had chemo in  months. The chemo is gone. You should be fine by now. Wrong! Wrong! and Wrong…Educate yourselves before you tell me how I should be feeling/acting/doing…. Since I finished chemo, 234 days ago, I’ve had bronchitis, ulcerative laryngitis and now pneumonia…..not to mention the ladycave snafu end of September….So what does all this mean?

Not a goddamned thing. Just spilling shit from my brain. Releasing my mind of thoughts and shit. Should you choose to read, awesome, if not…..that’s cool. I’ll still be here.

Before I went to ER for pneumonia, I puked. A few times. I was painfully cold, then upchucked my empty stomach into the trash….and holy fuck me…..I’d been able to push the chemo pukes to the far reaches of my memory, totally forgotten how bad it was. Until I puked. And puke I did. I thought I was dying. The amount of muscles it take from an achy body was hell. Pure hell. That shit was wiped from my mind as fast as it happened. Along with the bone pain, full body spasms…..PSTD I believe is the correct term.

You cancer haver’s…..don’t let anyone belittle your experience. I spent so much time and too many tears on those who I lost. Those friends, those family members, those humans who I thought would always be there for me…..fucking gone. Those motherfuckers who wanted to belittle me, challenge me, fucking fight me when I was already down for the count…..FUCK THEM ALL……I seriously spent a lot of time wondering what I did, what did I say to offend them…..I realized it was jealously, stupidity, and simply being a fuckwad was their problem. It wasn’t until recently that this epiphany came to me….after too many tears and cries…..

If you’re faced with ass fucker dildo heads in your life, please, I  implore you—don’t let them get into your brain. Fuck the naysayers. It will do more harm to your healing than good. Trust me. I’m still trying to emotionally heal from their low blows.

Cancer is not easy. Hear me?? CANCER IS NOT EASY. THE TREATMENT IS NOT EASY. NOTHING IS EASY ABOUT THIS BEAST. NOTHING. And don’t listen to those who say, Oh you got the good kind of cancer. The actual fuck? Good cancer? Yes amputation of my boobs and ladycave being torn from my body, is good. Fuck off into traffic ya asshole fuck and stay there.

Stay true to you. To your heart. Your wants. Your needs. It’s imperative for your physical and mental health. 

THIS WAS MORE A BITCH SESH.

THANKS FOR READING.

THANKS FOR SUPPORTING.

LOVE YOU GUYS AND SHIT. 

https://badboob.wordpress.com/2017/01/09/youll-get-pneumonia-in-your-ass-tara/

A Greeb Plastic Watering Can

A Green Plastic Watering Can
For a fake Chinese rubber plant In the fake plastic earth....

My tits were an integral part of me sexual wellbeing....I'm no longer sexual or well..…

https://badboob.wordpress.com/2016/10/17/a-green-plastic-watering-can/

Not Everyone Gets A Trophy In My House

https://badboob.wordpress.com/2016/09/19/not-everyone-gets-a-trophy-in-my-house-boy/

NOT EVERYONE GETS A TROPHY IN MY HOUSE BOY….

Posted on September 19, 2016 by badboobandshit under alopecia, american cancer society making strides against breast cancer, ativan, benefit, bilateral mastectomy, bills, biopsy, blog,bravery, brca2, Breast Cancer, breast cancer awareness, breath, breathe, cancer, cancer free,cancer is a whore, cbc, celexia, chemo, chemo cold caps, chemo port, chemotherapy, concern,depression, drain bulb, emotions, environmental, exchange surgery, expanders, facts of life,family, feel yourself, fighter, finances, fml, freaking out, friends, friendship, fuck you, generosity,gift, grief, guilt, hair loss, happiness, health, hero, heroic, holidays, hope, hormone replacement therapy, hospital, hysterectomy, implants, Invasive ductile carcinoma, invasive lobular carcinoma, journey, kicking cancers ass, life, life changing, life sucks, mammogram, mark up,mastectomy, menstruation, mindfuck, motivation, nerves, nervous, nipples, Oncotype DX, party,peen, plastic surgeon, poop, premarin

Me to sweet babboo during our intensive Foosball game. Ha, he thinks I’m gonna let him win, nope he’s got to earn it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a hard ass. But I’m not going to let him win either….balance fuckers. We all need balance. 

And since I’m a Libra, I’m all about the balance. If you’ve seen my Fb or IG you may have noticed I’m all about those hashtags too.

When you’re going to start receiving chemo, you may have a bit of a freak out. I freaked the fuck out, bad. I cried every step in the infusion suite….But we know this is part of treatment. These toxins are to clear our bodies of any last remaining cancerous cells…

YOU’RE GOING TO BE SICK.

SICK AS FUCK.

YOU’LL BE HUNGRY, BUT CAN’T 

YOU’LL HAVE TO URINATE, BUT CAN’T

YOU’LL WANT TO SLEEP, BUT CAN’T

YOU’LL WANT TO WALK, BUT CAN’T

YOU’LL WANT TO EAT, BUT CAN’T

YOU’RE GOING TO BE SICK

SICK AS FUCK

For what seems like days, weeks, months, years…..when in reality it’s only been two and a half days….that’s how bad this shit fuck’s you up.

When I spit, I had to grab it with my hand…too weak to even rid my mouth of spit….

You think I exaggerate? Nope, not one lil deet. When you pee, you kinda let it drip (like the peens do) because you are too weak to even reach around and clean your pikachu….Yes, it’s that bad…no shit.

Forget ginger chews as the mouth sores rebel very quickly. Forget water, it hurts to swallow. I ate nerds. Boxes and Boxes of nerds…the big boy that’s a five serving…ha! One serving for me…yummy nerds.

It’s been 272 days since my bilateral mastectomy, and a few weeks since new tit exchange; you’d think at this point in the game I’d be able to look down at my self (my chest) and not cry, wrong…..When I shower, I do all I can to wash my fakeboobs in the quickest fashion. It’s so odd. Bizarre and sad. My boobs brought great enjoyment to me for many fucking years. Now I’m a clean slate. Still in my human skin, but a bit perky and nipple-less…Just the mere sight and I’m immediately reduced to tears. That gorgeous woman standing with me is Dr. Lisa Tolnitch of Carolina Breast Care; she saved my life December 22, 2015 by removing many tumors and two cancers from my left breast.

So those of you that have been here since day one, know I’ve bitched a lot. I also want you to know your bo,dies. Feel your boobs. Know your lumps, bumps…..I was unsure as to which direction I wanted to take this blog. Cause you know, cancer is gone, treatment is complete, new boobs in place….

We all know presecreening is essential to our health. Had I had a mammogram at 40, my cancer would have went undetected until my next mammo at 45….And while I did catch my cancers early on, there were still so many tumors a lumpectomy wasn’t an option for me….It may be for you.

Don’t let lack of insurance, fear of needle pricks or any other ism/excuse hold you back…if you find a lump, get that fucker checked out ASAP!!

K. Now for some goodshit…you know my pot of fucking gold……I thought my parting gift from the breast cancer game was fake tits…..wrong…..I’ll be one of ten featured models for Macy’s Model walk for strides against cancer! Yes you read that right! Me a model, for fuck sake!! So stoked to be a part of that. The models are encouraged to sell tickets and create a team…Team #badboob is currently in 18th position for The American Cancer Society, Greater Raleigh! So readers, boob feelers, friends I’m sharing my link with you here in hopes you’ll show some support be it monetary or sharing with your friends. I want Team #badboob to knock this #makingstridesagainstcancer walk so far outta the park. I know I can do it, with your help. Obv….

I‘ve raised over $235.00 this weekend…Not bad since the official American Cancer Society Making Strides Against Breast Cancer campaign hasn’t officially kicked off yet!
I’m asked to sell 4 seated tickets for family to watch my modeling gig….3 of the 4 have been purchased. If you’d like to help my family by purchasing that 4th seat, please submit $25.00 to my PayPal, firedaizey@gmail.com, monies will be turned into organizer during my fitting.

And….if anyone wants a #badboob shirt, let me know! We get free shipping on orders over 12!!
Donations For Team #badboob Here.