And Then She Was At Peace

AND THEN SHE WAS A PEACE

Posted on August 11, 2016 by badboobandshit under alopecia, ativan, badboob, bilateral mastectomy, bills, biopsy, blog, boobs, bravery, brca2, Breast Cancer, breast cancer awareness,breast reduction, breath, breathe, Cancer, cancer free, cancer is a whore, cbc, celexia, chemo,chemo port, chemotherapy, depression, double mastectomy, drain bulb, early detection,emotions, environmental, exchange surgery, expanders, fabreeze, facts of life, feel yourself,fighter, finances, fml, freaking out, friends, friendship, fuck cancer, fuck you, generosity, gift,grief, guilt, hair loss, happiness, health, hero, heroic, holidays, hope, hormone replacement therapy, hospital, hysterectomy, implants, Invasive ductile carcinoma, invasive lobular carcinoma, journey, kicking cancers ass, life, life changing, life sucks, love, mammogram, mark up, mastectomy, menstruation, mindfuck, motivation, nerves, nervous, Oncotype DX, parenting,party, peen, period, plastic surgeon, poop, post op, power port, presents, proceeds, raw, real life,recovery, revocery, sacred, scared, smile, snoopy, spirit, strength, strong, suck it cancer, surgeon,surgery, survivor, suture, tamoxifen, testing, thriver, titanium marker, tits, tumors,Uncategorized, viral, warrior, weight, xanax

FREE FROM PAIN. 

FREE FROM SORROW.

FREE FROM LIFE.

ABLE TO SOAR HIGH ABOVE AND GUIDE US….

It’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve talked to you guys. A lot of shit has happened. A lot of sadness. A lot of smiles.

My circle of friends lost a beautiful soul this past Friday. Jo’s story, struggle & grace hit close to home for so many. We’d become friends before either of us knew we’d have breast cancer. Just a bunch of silly tweeters playing in the sea of anonymity that was twitter. Eventually a lot of us gravitated back to Facebook, and that’s when our friendship really blossomed.

I’m well into recovery, it’s been 83 days since my last chemo; thank fuck…Hell you may have even seen me ‘brushing’ my hair earlier in the week with that silly ass toothbrush. Laugh if you will, but that toothbrush felt so fucking good on my head. I’d tried a regular comb, but there were some stray fuckers that would not lay properly under my glasses. So I MacGyver’ed a brush….and boom! We have a toothbrush for my post chemo head. I’m only 24 days out from hysterectomy and new tit exchange.

Physically feeling pretty good. The noobies are a bit sore, the scarring isn’t pretty, but they are no longer toxic and I have my life. Which brings me back to the survivors guilt….Especially with Jo’s transition. My mind is all over the place. Happy one mo, crying the next….I’ve always been a bit emotional, crying at silly shit~but sans my lady bits, I feel more batshit crazy. That hysterectomy sucked ovaries….lolz….

I was reminded, by Jo, that one’s problems shouldn’t outshine or diminish the other’s. We all have shit to deal with. We will all deal differently. I admire her strength so much….I  will continue to look toward Joanna for inspiration on days I feel I can not continue……I know I only had stage one cancer and should consider myself lucky. goddammit skippy, I feel lucky as fuck….

But the thing that some don’t realize is even after the stitches fully dissolve, you’re left with the aftermath. In my case, I happen to be looking at some fantastic fake boobs, with vertical scarring from one side to the other. I will always see the scar first. I’ll always remember being traumatized and terrified. I’ll always remember Mr. Badboob holding my hand, putting my fears to rest….TBT, I’d still rather my own NatGeo’s and not have gone through this ordeal. But I have… And many of you have decided  to come along for the ride. You even stayed in the car when I began to veer and slide off said road. A few of jumped out of the fucking car the first chance they could, leaving gaping holes in my heart.

But I must look ahead for my own peace of mind. If I continue looking back second guessing myself, actions, words, I’ll never recover. My family needs me here, now….I don’t have anymore time to wonder why you reacted to me in such a harsh way…..It’s your life fuckers, live it how you want. Keep your toxicity to yourselves, I’m sick enough. 

Now that I’m finally on this side of recovery, I plan to #raiseawarenessraisehell with my #badboob story. I’ve got lots of projects planned, inspired by my stint with breast cancer, obv, but inspired none the less. I will not be shushed, well if I am shushed I’m gonna tell you to fuck off buddy. There is too much sickness out there. Too many people, young & old, with cancer.

We need to find a fucking cure already and put an end to the destruction it has caused.

You Have Grandpa Hair Mommy

Posted on July 10, 2016 by badboobandshit under alopecia, ativan, badboob, benefit, bilateral mastectomy, bills, biopsy, blog, boobs, bravery, brca2, Breast Cancer, breast cancer awareness,breast reduction, breath, breathe, Cancer, cancer free, cancer is a whore, celexia, chemo, chemo port, chemotherapy, concern, depression, double mastectomy, drain bulb, early detection,emotions, environmental, exchange surgery, expanders, fabreeze, facts of life, family, feel yourself, fighter, finances, fml, freaking out, friends, friendship, fuck cancer, fuck you,generosity, gift, grief, guilt, hair loss, happiness, health, hero, heroic, holidays, hope, hospital,hysterectomy, implants, Invasive ductile carcinoma, invasive lobular carcinoma, journey,kicking cancers ass, life, life changing, life sucks, love, lysol, mammogram, mark up,mastectomy, menstruation, mindfuck, motivation, nerves, nervous, nipples, Oncotype DX,parenting, party, period, plastic surgeon, post op, presents, proceeds, raw, real life, recovery,sacred, scared, smile, snoopy, spirit, strength, strong, suck it cancer, surgeon, surgery, survivor,suture, tamoxifen, testing, thriver, titanium marker, tits, tumors, Uncategorized, viral, xanax

Gee thanks kid.

Yes gang, my head does resemble that of a grandpa’s head, sort of…. Really am so happy the shit is finally growing back in! After over four months of being bald and hairless, it’s quite a relief. And I can actually grab a bit with my fingers too!! But….mother-what-the-fuck-my brows and lashes have almost all shed this week. I now have less brows than when I was going through chemo. The fuck? I’ve put a call into my onco for answers. It may be normal. It may be meds. IDK. I do know I’m not pleased with this new development.

One week and a day from today I will be checking into the hospital [at 5 fucking 15 am]!! The new tits will be installed. Old, useless and potentially deadly equipment will be removed. [read….no more crotch bleeding ]I should be good as new…. and with awesome new bewbs ….

1. THEY’LL NEVER SLIDE INTO MY ARMPITS WHEN I LAY DOWN.

2. I WON’T HAVE TO HOLD WHEN RUNNING, THEY WON’T KNOCK ME OUT WHILE JUMPING

3. I’LL NO LONGER BE ABLE TO TUCK INTO MY PANTS,

4. NO LONGER BE ABLE TO WRAP AROUND MY NECK TO KEEP MY WARM ON THE COLD WINTER NIGHTS

5. WILL NOT NEED A BRA…WILL NOT NEED A BRA….WILL NOT NEED A BRA!![BEEN WEARING THOSE BITCHES SINCE I WAS 12. HAVE PERMANENT GROOVES DUG INTO MY SHOULDERS FROM THOSE BOULDER HOLDERS]

My physical strength has returned, mentally I’m still a bit mushy; one day at a fucking time kids. It’s been great. Running, playing, jumping and getting all our sillies out with my Sweet Babboo. That sweet child has been through a lot in his five years of life, loss of a younger brother, mommy with breast cancer. I try to tell him everyday how happy I am he chose us to be his mommy and daddy.

JUST THE OTHER DAY BABBOO HAD ALL HIS KITTY CAT BEANIES LINED UP PLAYING SCHOOL. THE MOMMY KITTY SAID SHE WAS SICK. KITTIES AT SCHOOL ASKING MAMA CAT WHY SHE WAS SICK. I HEARD HIM REPLY, IN HIS MAMA CAT VOICE, THAT SHE HAD BREAST CANCER…. FUCK. MY HEART SWELLED AND DROPPED AT THE SAME TIME. BUT THOSE BABY KITTIES RALLIED AROUND THEIR MOMMY, TAPED HER UP AND KEPT TELLING HER THEY LOVED HER… WHAT A SWEET IMAGINATION.

HE SEES ME. HE SEES MY STRENGTH. HE SEES OUR LOVE.

HE’S GOING TO BE OK.

It’s not been roses everyday. It has not…. Maybe decaying, rotting in water roses…. It’s been fucking hard some days. Yeah, yeah, everyone’s life is tough. Everyone’s life is rough…. Everyone is faced with challenges. This I know, but remember this is my space and place. Perhaps if some quit sticking your nose where it shouldn’t belong, you’ll quit smelling shit….Seriously, we are faced with enough bullshit in our everyday lives. Let’s quit fucking with each other, fuckers. 

Recently, I’ve felt a renewed clarity. This a new and amazing feeling for me.

Next week, I’ll be in recovery mode again for a few weeks. Shit, it’s taken me almost seven months to regain my pre-mastectomy strength. During that time I was undergoing chemo, hence the delay in feeling ‘like myself’.

NO CHEMO THIS TIME. JUST RECOVERY.

NO WORRIES IF CANCER HAS SPREAD THIS TIME. JUST RECOVERY.

NO MORE BEING SCARED OUT OF MY FUCKING MIND. JUST RECOVERY.

While I’m still pissed as fuck at the lump I discovered 243 days ago and I will probably always say ‘fuck cancer’. Always have said ‘fuck cancer’ so why should I stop saying it now? I’m not as angry. I still have my life, family and support system, which has been vital to my full recovery.  That’s what it all about, family. Right? I sincerely mean all the thank you’s to everyone. All who’ve sent messages, gifs, gifts, food, wishes, what have ya….I appreciate it all. I know I was freaking out in the beginning with my diagnosis. Thanks for sticking with me to see how this unfolds.

One week from today. One fucking week! This is one of my final steps in becoming a breast cancer thriver…. I love that term. Not only are we survivors, but we’re also thriving in the shit hole of life. 

Much love and all the feels to you guys.

xx

Look Mom, A Girl With No Hair.....

Posted on June 26, 2016 by badboobandshit under alopecia, ativan, bad boob, badboob, benefit,bilateral mastectomy, bills, biopsy, blog, boobs, bravery, brca2, Breast Cancer, breast cancer awareness, breath, breathe, Cancer, cancer free, cancer is a whore, cbc, celexia, chemo, chemo port, concern, double mastectomy, drain bulb, early detection, emotions, environmental,exchange surgery, expanders, facts of life, feel yourself, fighter, finances, fml, freaking out,friends, friendship, fuck cancer, fuck you, generosity, gift, grief, guilt, hair loss, happiness,health, hero, heroic, holidays, hope, hormone replacement therapy, hospital, hysterectomy,implants, Invasive ductile carcinoma, invasive lobular carcinoma, journey, kicking cancers ass,life, life changing, life sucks, love, mammogram, mark up, mastectomy, menstruation,mindfuck, motivation, nerves, nervous, New Year, nipples, Oncotype DX, parenting, period,plastic surgeon, post op, power port, proceeds, raw, real life, recovery, scared, smile, snoopy,spirit, strength, strong, suck it cancer, surgeon, surgery, survivor, suture, tamoxifen, testing,titanium marker, tits, tumors, Uncategorized, viral, warrior, weight

YES HONEY I SEE THAT. SHE HAS CANCER, THE MOM REPLIED.  WHENHEN PEOPLE HAVE CANCER, THEY HAVE TO GO THROUGH CHEMOTHERAPY.  AND WITH CHEMO SWEETIE, THEY GET REALLY SICK AND MOST LOSE THEIR HAIR LIKE THAT GIRL….AW, SHUCKS….42 AND THEY ARE CALLING ME A GIRL….THANKS FOR MAKING MY DAY SWEET MOM AT TARGET FOR EXPLAINING TO YOUR LITTLE GIRL ABOUT CANCER AND FOR THINKING I WAS A KID.

My incisions are fucking frowning at me. Why is this so? Seriously, at the incision site, the lines are rounded down in a frownward motion. Are they mad at me for having doctors mutilate and hack at them? They do not like the breast muscle tissue expander either. Do all post mastecto chests frown? Or is is just mine? This is serious shit, I need answers.

Stretch marks from the breast tissue expansion. Weird. Why is this so? I had so much skin to work with [hello, NatGeo]….only to cut, toss in trash [bye bye nipples] and begin stretching my skin again.

WHERE HAVE MY NIPPLES GONE?

WHAT BARGE ARE THEY DECAYING ON?

I have totally faith in the plastic surgeon’s ability….but damn….you really do need to be a patient patient for the good shit to happen and my chest muscles to finish expanding. As much as I hate the discomfort from the expanders, I’m glad I have a competent surgeon….hopefully I’ll have two, not three or four boobs when he is done. I’m ready to be able to feel my arms, chest, under arm & side boob again. Shit’s still numb & sore. It’s a surreal experience showering and not knowing if I’m really washing my body. Let’s not forget the goddamned power port making my life even more miserable. Blah blah blah….bitch bitch bitch….Not necessarily bitching….Just telling my story as I see it….
Will implants frown or smile? I hope like fuck those bitches will be smiling. I know I will be. As the surgery is one of the last steps in my breast cancer journey. In just 21 days, the plastic surgeon will work his magic sculpting my new boobs!! I must say, I am pretty fucking excited to have the reduction I’ve always wanted. My excitement is growing everyday.

I will be entering the autumn of my life with kick ass cancer free tits! If I choose nipples, there will be one more procedure with him. But, I’ve already begun thinking of a beautiful post-masecto piece- pretty sure that’s the route I’ll be going.

How much do the expanders weigh now? His much will the implants weigh? Well I googled that shit and right now the expanders are adding a little over two pounds to my frame.

My hair growth is going well, considering I was  more or less hairless a little over a month ago. I received my last chemo infusion 38 days ago. You can tell by this picture, just how much hair has actually grown in. I’m such a lovely vision of beauty. [snort….sarcastic eye roll inserted here] I’m still a hot fucking mess….I know with surgery less than a month a way, I’ll be a bigger, hotter mess. Ha, with my mastectomy, I was concerned because I had to completely disrobe prior to surgery, I was worried about the baby-slide.  So I shaved and got razor rash…..grrr….anyhoo….I’m not going to stress about the meat curtains as the surgeon is removing all baby making materials….
Still hard to fathom that 230 days ago Mr. Badboob and I received life altering news. The in-laws happened to be visiting us that day. So glad to have had all the love, support & shoulders to lean on from day one. Two hundred and thirty fucking days ago….goddammit. The online support has been more than tremendous. Each day I feel I get a little closer to some of you. The girl power is strong in my group of friends. We are carefully building each other up, to ensure we become the best possible in this fucked up world.

From my misty eyes to yours. Make it a good one.

And for fucks sake, feel yourself ladies. Have your man feel your boobs. Men, you can get breast cancer too….check yourselves.

https://badboob.wordpress.com/2016/06/26/look-mom-a-girl-with-no-hair/