Look Mom, A Girl With No Hair.....

Posted on June 26, 2016 by badboobandshit under alopecia, ativan, bad boob, badboob, benefit,bilateral mastectomy, bills, biopsy, blog, boobs, bravery, brca2, Breast Cancer, breast cancer awareness, breath, breathe, Cancer, cancer free, cancer is a whore, cbc, celexia, chemo, chemo port, concern, double mastectomy, drain bulb, early detection, emotions, environmental,exchange surgery, expanders, facts of life, feel yourself, fighter, finances, fml, freaking out,friends, friendship, fuck cancer, fuck you, generosity, gift, grief, guilt, hair loss, happiness,health, hero, heroic, holidays, hope, hormone replacement therapy, hospital, hysterectomy,implants, Invasive ductile carcinoma, invasive lobular carcinoma, journey, kicking cancers ass,life, life changing, life sucks, love, mammogram, mark up, mastectomy, menstruation,mindfuck, motivation, nerves, nervous, New Year, nipples, Oncotype DX, parenting, period,plastic surgeon, post op, power port, proceeds, raw, real life, recovery, scared, smile, snoopy,spirit, strength, strong, suck it cancer, surgeon, surgery, survivor, suture, tamoxifen, testing,titanium marker, tits, tumors, Uncategorized, viral, warrior, weight

YES HONEY I SEE THAT. SHE HAS CANCER, THE MOM REPLIED.  WHENHEN PEOPLE HAVE CANCER, THEY HAVE TO GO THROUGH CHEMOTHERAPY.  AND WITH CHEMO SWEETIE, THEY GET REALLY SICK AND MOST LOSE THEIR HAIR LIKE THAT GIRL….AW, SHUCKS….42 AND THEY ARE CALLING ME A GIRL….THANKS FOR MAKING MY DAY SWEET MOM AT TARGET FOR EXPLAINING TO YOUR LITTLE GIRL ABOUT CANCER AND FOR THINKING I WAS A KID.

My incisions are fucking frowning at me. Why is this so? Seriously, at the incision site, the lines are rounded down in a frownward motion. Are they mad at me for having doctors mutilate and hack at them? They do not like the breast muscle tissue expander either. Do all post mastecto chests frown? Or is is just mine? This is serious shit, I need answers.

Stretch marks from the breast tissue expansion. Weird. Why is this so? I had so much skin to work with [hello, NatGeo]….only to cut, toss in trash [bye bye nipples] and begin stretching my skin again.

WHERE HAVE MY NIPPLES GONE?

WHAT BARGE ARE THEY DECAYING ON?

I have totally faith in the plastic surgeon’s ability….but damn….you really do need to be a patient patient for the good shit to happen and my chest muscles to finish expanding. As much as I hate the discomfort from the expanders, I’m glad I have a competent surgeon….hopefully I’ll have two, not three or four boobs when he is done. I’m ready to be able to feel my arms, chest, under arm & side boob again. Shit’s still numb & sore. It’s a surreal experience showering and not knowing if I’m really washing my body. Let’s not forget the goddamned power port making my life even more miserable. Blah blah blah….bitch bitch bitch….Not necessarily bitching….Just telling my story as I see it….
Will implants frown or smile? I hope like fuck those bitches will be smiling. I know I will be. As the surgery is one of the last steps in my breast cancer journey. In just 21 days, the plastic surgeon will work his magic sculpting my new boobs!! I must say, I am pretty fucking excited to have the reduction I’ve always wanted. My excitement is growing everyday.

I will be entering the autumn of my life with kick ass cancer free tits! If I choose nipples, there will be one more procedure with him. But, I’ve already begun thinking of a beautiful post-masecto piece- pretty sure that’s the route I’ll be going.

How much do the expanders weigh now? His much will the implants weigh? Well I googled that shit and right now the expanders are adding a little over two pounds to my frame.

My hair growth is going well, considering I was  more or less hairless a little over a month ago. I received my last chemo infusion 38 days ago. You can tell by this picture, just how much hair has actually grown in. I’m such a lovely vision of beauty. [snort….sarcastic eye roll inserted here] I’m still a hot fucking mess….I know with surgery less than a month a way, I’ll be a bigger, hotter mess. Ha, with my mastectomy, I was concerned because I had to completely disrobe prior to surgery, I was worried about the baby-slide.  So I shaved and got razor rash…..grrr….anyhoo….I’m not going to stress about the meat curtains as the surgeon is removing all baby making materials….
Still hard to fathom that 230 days ago Mr. Badboob and I received life altering news. The in-laws happened to be visiting us that day. So glad to have had all the love, support & shoulders to lean on from day one. Two hundred and thirty fucking days ago….goddammit. The online support has been more than tremendous. Each day I feel I get a little closer to some of you. The girl power is strong in my group of friends. We are carefully building each other up, to ensure we become the best possible in this fucked up world.

From my misty eyes to yours. Make it a good one.

And for fucks sake, feel yourself ladies. Have your man feel your boobs. Men, you can get breast cancer too….check yourselves.

https://badboob.wordpress.com/2016/06/26/look-mom-a-girl-with-no-hair/

TOOTIE, HOW CAN YOU READ THOSE? THEY’RE JUST FULL OF RUMOR, GOSSIP & INNUENDO.

Posted on January 14, 2016 by badboobandshit under badboob, benefit, bilateral mastectomy,bills, biopsy, Breast Cancer, breast reduction, breath, breathe, Cancer, cancer, cancer free,cancer is a whore, chemotherapy, christmas, concern, double mastectomy, drain bulb, early detection, emotions, expanders, facts of life, family, feel yourself, finances, fml, freaking out,friends, friendship, fuck cancer, generosity, gift, grief, guilt, happiness, health, holidays, hope,hospital, implants, Invasive ductile carcinoma, invasive lobular carcinoma, kicking cancers ass,life, life sucks, mammogram, mark up, menstruation, mindfuck, nerves, nervous, Oncotype DX,parenting, party, plastic surgeon, post op, proceeds, raw, real life, recovery, scared, smile, snoopy

There are people who in this world get shoved around and there are people who do the shoving! -Jo, Facts Of Life—I plan to shove cancer as far away from me as fucking possible.

It’s been 23 days since my bilateral mastectomy. And yet I still wake up every morning crying….Crying like a fucking baby….The tears will sneak up on me & run down my face until I realize I’m in full cry mode. Usually, I’m able to wipe them away before hubby or five sees me breaking down. I know letting emotions out is good, cathartic and essential to fully healing, but dammit….I’m getting tired of these puffy ass eyes & bruised ass chest where my boobs once laid.

Cancer is such a fucking asshole. Ya know what, cancer is the definition of#assholism. Young, old, healthy, obese–It doesn’t give a fuck who you are. Fuck you cancer. The day when a cure is found will be the most gloriously celebrated day!

I’ve met some many fantastic women since beginning my blog. I had no idea that I would make friends when I began #badboob.  But if you think about it, some of my [and possibly your] closest friends came from a shitstorm of a situation that automatically bond you; those turn out to be the best and closest friends to have in your life.

I look in my closet at all my cute tee’s[that I may or may not be too old to still be wearing] but fuck it, they’re my tee’s. I see sadness when looking in the closet. I know this flat deformed chest is temporary, but still….it sucks. So big bulky sweaters it is while out in public….comfy tanks while at home.

My incisions still get throbby when walking. It feels like nipple freeze without nipples. If that makes sense. How weird is is to my to have those feelings in my boobs when I’m otherwise numb, all nerves have been severed; there is virtually no feeling on my chest–other than the pain still associated with the surgery.

Enough with your fucking sob story already Tara….Erm….it’s my blog & that’s why your here? Right?….Let’s hear some good shit….Well….Uhm….You see, with cancer….there really is no good shit….except when it is removed, treatments are over & you are officially deemed cancer free.

I did visit Dianne’s Selection & Lovely Lady Boutique yesterday. Picked up a few post mastecto bras and inserts yesterday. Been playing around with them a bit this morning. Trying to get used to seeing myself with ‘boobs’ again….ugh….it’s not easy kids….more tears….I did also pick up a handicap placard yesterday….just in case chemo really kicks my ass. I want to be prepared. And completed a fuckton more paperwork as well, hoping to get some good replies from all the financial forms I’ve been sending.

I am getting my strength back. Have almost, almost I say, full mobility in my arms. Now to get that goddamned pain to stop and I may feel like myself again very soon.

Be kind kids

xx

HEY, STIFLER, HOW’S THE “PALE ALE”?

Posted on January 11, 2016 by badboobandshit under badboob, benefit, bilateral mastectomy,bills, biopsy, Breast Cancer, breast reduction, breath, breathe, Cancer, cancer free, cancer is a whore, chemotherapy, christmas, concern, double mastectomy, drain bulb, early detection,emotions, environmental, family, feel yourself, finances, fml, freaking out, friends, friendship,fuck cancer, fuck you, generosity, gift, grief, guilt, happiness, health, holidays, hope, hospital,Invasive ductile carcinoma, invasive lobular carcinoma, life, life sucks, love, mammogram,mastectomy, menstruation, mindfuck, nerves, nervous, New Year, Oncotype DX, parenting,party, plastic surgeon, post op

Where the hell is page one and why do I keep losing it? Seriously, I’ve spent the entire goddamned weekend filling out financial forms and bullshit; and goddammit page one keeps disappearing from me–grr.

Hey girls instant trick to looking thin–Have your 30ff’s sliced off your chest; voila! Instant slimming–So fucking strange to see my clothes in my body now. The fuck has happened to me?  Our family?  What happened to my little piece of mind from the 90’s that remained intact–Fucking cancer….That’s what happened….motherfuckinfucker

This weekend I spent time compiling binder of all the paper work since this rather unfortunate detour of breast cancer occurred. If I can get my my mind off the financial aspect of cancer & quit worrying about the shit, I’m sure my well being will begin to improve.

My husband and five year old completely pampered my Saturday by filing, buffing & painting my nails. 

My five did a fanfuckintastic job with my toes. xoxox

Okay kids, I’ve said this a thousand times already–still can not believe I found the cancer so early as I never felt sick. TBT – I’m beginning to dread the thought of chemo & other treatments required to keep my body healthy. Oncologist did say she has no problem prescribing cannabinoids for me once treatments begin. Having known many friends and family that have used this medicine in conjunction with other med’s and knowing their results were favorable, puts me at ease; just slightly mind you.

ONE DAY AT A TIME

ONE STEP AT A TIME

LOTS OF TEARS

I was able to bathe this weekend [almost by completely by myself]. Candles were lit and smelling lovely. It was such a joy just to soak in the water, trying not to look at my deformed chest, trying to choke back the tears….The site of my body saddens me, immensely. I am so grateful for my husband that will listen and help talk me back to ‘reality’ when I begin flipping out. And I know this is temporary, but it’s still a mind fuck….I know I’ll have a beautiful reconstructed chest, but that does not help my mind or mental well being at the mo.

I’d been under the impression post-masecto chest’s were completely flat & concave. Not sure if it’s the expanders or what, but I’m not completely flat [almost], but I’m terribly lopsided. I hope this will change when I see the plastic surgeon 1/19/16 and get my first fill-up. This process I’m still learning about—the fill-ups, wait time, removal of expanders and eventual insertion of the silicone boob.

Each woman/man deals and reacts to breast cancer in their own way, respectably. I do not feel ashamed or embarrassed by how I look. Unfortunately, many women do. Matter of fact, I’m still wearing all my tank tops etc. I had many tank tops that never fit, no matter how much weight I lost, guess what? with no tits, they fit now….A crazy thing I have noticed though, after the shower/bath I used to pick up my boobs and dry underneath. Guess what kids, with no boobage, there is nothing to pick up & dry–mind totally fucking blown. I know this reconstruction process should take 4-6 months [from what I’ve read], by then I should have dropped the weight that decided to attach itself back to me-damn pounds. *shakes fist* stay off my ass & my stomach damn whore weight!

I still have so much swelling and discomfort, 20 days later, but am told it’s all normal. I am healing as I should be. Sleeping is getting better. But cancer has still robbed us of so much, especially intimacy–which I know will resume to normalcy.

I post this blog to the #badboob Facebook page & my own personal page, will get away from posting on personal page; but curious to know if you, the readers, would be interested in a cancer haver/survivor support group via Facebook? It wold be a private group, obv…..but a good place for us to vent, talk, cry, laugh, etc…..

Now off to finish filling out the financial aid paperwork for upcoming prescriptions and bullshit.

IT’S LIKE A LION AND A TIGER MIXED

Posted on January 8, 2016 by badboobandshit under bad boob, beer, bilateral mastectomy, bills,biopsy, Breast Cancer, breast reduction, breath, breathe, Cancer, cancer free, cancer is a whore,concern, double mastectomy, drain bulb, early detection, elf on the shelf, emotions,environmental, family, feel yourself, finances, fml, freaking out, friends, friendship, fuck cancer,fuck you, generosity, gift, grief, guilt, happiness, health, holidays, hope, hospital, invasive lobular carcinoma, life, love, lysol, mammogram, mark up, mastectomy, menstruation,mindfuck, nerves, nervous, New Year, Oncotype DX, parenting, party, period, plastic surgeon,post op, presents, proceeds, raw, real life, recovery, santa, scared, smile, snoopy, spirit, strength,strong, surgeon, surgery, survivor, suture, testing, titanium marker, tits, tumors, Uncategorized,viral, weight, xanax

Bred For Its Skills In Magic….The Liger

If you guys knew anything of my before my #badboob and this whole fucking breast cancer ordeal, you know I was forever finding snacks and treats in my bras at the end of the evening. Hell, I’d even find some of my body jewelry hiding in there-you know those tricky fucking internal screw tragus earrings. I’d find the gems in my bra all the time….Thank fuck they never really got lost and didn’t have to invest in new body jewelry.

So with having my bilateral mastectomy 17 days ago, I thought long gone where the days of storing snacks in my bra for later consumption—Oh boy was I wrong. Tara, how the fuck are you still getting crumbs falling down your shirt when you have no tits, you may be thinking to yourselves. Well kids, when one eats in bed—crumbs happen….And goddammit….of crumbs have happened….lots of those crunchy little fuckers.

What a lovely cornucopia of chips, peanuts, veggie jerky pieces & other delightful pieces fell to the floor when undoing this lovely post mastecto bra last night. Needless to say, Boston, the dog was very pleased with the treats I bestowed upon him.

My pain level is subsiding. Will be driving for the first time today to the The Carolina Ale House of Garner, to have lunch with my son, who happens to be a server there. He is also the first recipient of the First Annual Spartan Award! It will be nice to get out and enjoy a meal in which I neither need to cook or clean or pay for. Score!

My swelling is going down as well. I still have a hard time comprehending my new [temporary] silhouette looking in the mirror. Even at my smallest, I still looked big because of my big obnoxious tits. Now with them gone, I am instantly slim….Goddammit, what a life/mind changer that is. I’ve still lots of bruising, but that too is normal and healing quite well. No infections-Yay

Unfortunately my extra weight is still sticking….Seriously, how the hell is that possible?….My boobs were huge, I thought for sure some weight would have dropped….Meh….All in due time I suppose. We’ve begun walking the dog again, every couple of days, nice and slow we are taking it.

Each day I am meeting new women recently diagnosed with breast cancer, recently underwent their own bilateral mastectomy. I feel fortunate my blog is reaching others and potentially helping others cope. You tell me you laugh….you cry…when reading my updates….most importantly you tell me you are checking yourself or having spouse check herself. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Until a cure for cancer is found, we have to be diligent with our bodies. Know them inside and out. And get checked when something feels off. Insurance or not. I fall in the non-insured adult category, yet still had myself checked; because I knew in my heart it was cancer.

Feel free to ask any and all questions. Normal, gross, inquisitive, I’ll answer them all to the best of my knowledge.

Thank you again everyone for your continued daily support-emotional, physical, financial-all the support is appreciated and never turned down. When I am in a good place financially, I plan to give back as much as I can to my community.

Much love to all you beautiful fuckers. xx