HEY, STIFLER, HOW’S THE “PALE ALE”?

Posted on January 11, 2016 by badboobandshit under badboob, benefit, bilateral mastectomy,bills, biopsy, Breast Cancer, breast reduction, breath, breathe, Cancer, cancer free, cancer is a whore, chemotherapy, christmas, concern, double mastectomy, drain bulb, early detection,emotions, environmental, family, feel yourself, finances, fml, freaking out, friends, friendship,fuck cancer, fuck you, generosity, gift, grief, guilt, happiness, health, holidays, hope, hospital,Invasive ductile carcinoma, invasive lobular carcinoma, life, life sucks, love, mammogram,mastectomy, menstruation, mindfuck, nerves, nervous, New Year, Oncotype DX, parenting,party, plastic surgeon, post op

Where the hell is page one and why do I keep losing it? Seriously, I’ve spent the entire goddamned weekend filling out financial forms and bullshit; and goddammit page one keeps disappearing from me–grr.

Hey girls instant trick to looking thin–Have your 30ff’s sliced off your chest; voila! Instant slimming–So fucking strange to see my clothes in my body now. The fuck has happened to me?  Our family?  What happened to my little piece of mind from the 90’s that remained intact–Fucking cancer….That’s what happened….motherfuckinfucker

This weekend I spent time compiling binder of all the paper work since this rather unfortunate detour of breast cancer occurred. If I can get my my mind off the financial aspect of cancer & quit worrying about the shit, I’m sure my well being will begin to improve.

My husband and five year old completely pampered my Saturday by filing, buffing & painting my nails. 

My five did a fanfuckintastic job with my toes. xoxox

Okay kids, I’ve said this a thousand times already–still can not believe I found the cancer so early as I never felt sick. TBT – I’m beginning to dread the thought of chemo & other treatments required to keep my body healthy. Oncologist did say she has no problem prescribing cannabinoids for me once treatments begin. Having known many friends and family that have used this medicine in conjunction with other med’s and knowing their results were favorable, puts me at ease; just slightly mind you.

ONE DAY AT A TIME

ONE STEP AT A TIME

LOTS OF TEARS

I was able to bathe this weekend [almost by completely by myself]. Candles were lit and smelling lovely. It was such a joy just to soak in the water, trying not to look at my deformed chest, trying to choke back the tears….The site of my body saddens me, immensely. I am so grateful for my husband that will listen and help talk me back to ‘reality’ when I begin flipping out. And I know this is temporary, but it’s still a mind fuck….I know I’ll have a beautiful reconstructed chest, but that does not help my mind or mental well being at the mo.

I’d been under the impression post-masecto chest’s were completely flat & concave. Not sure if it’s the expanders or what, but I’m not completely flat [almost], but I’m terribly lopsided. I hope this will change when I see the plastic surgeon 1/19/16 and get my first fill-up. This process I’m still learning about—the fill-ups, wait time, removal of expanders and eventual insertion of the silicone boob.

Each woman/man deals and reacts to breast cancer in their own way, respectably. I do not feel ashamed or embarrassed by how I look. Unfortunately, many women do. Matter of fact, I’m still wearing all my tank tops etc. I had many tank tops that never fit, no matter how much weight I lost, guess what? with no tits, they fit now….A crazy thing I have noticed though, after the shower/bath I used to pick up my boobs and dry underneath. Guess what kids, with no boobage, there is nothing to pick up & dry–mind totally fucking blown. I know this reconstruction process should take 4-6 months [from what I’ve read], by then I should have dropped the weight that decided to attach itself back to me-damn pounds. *shakes fist* stay off my ass & my stomach damn whore weight!

I still have so much swelling and discomfort, 20 days later, but am told it’s all normal. I am healing as I should be. Sleeping is getting better. But cancer has still robbed us of so much, especially intimacy–which I know will resume to normalcy.

I post this blog to the #badboob Facebook page & my own personal page, will get away from posting on personal page; but curious to know if you, the readers, would be interested in a cancer haver/survivor support group via Facebook? It wold be a private group, obv…..but a good place for us to vent, talk, cry, laugh, etc…..

Now off to finish filling out the financial aid paperwork for upcoming prescriptions and bullshit.

IT’S LIKE A LION AND A TIGER MIXED

Posted on January 8, 2016 by badboobandshit under bad boob, beer, bilateral mastectomy, bills,biopsy, Breast Cancer, breast reduction, breath, breathe, Cancer, cancer free, cancer is a whore,concern, double mastectomy, drain bulb, early detection, elf on the shelf, emotions,environmental, family, feel yourself, finances, fml, freaking out, friends, friendship, fuck cancer,fuck you, generosity, gift, grief, guilt, happiness, health, holidays, hope, hospital, invasive lobular carcinoma, life, love, lysol, mammogram, mark up, mastectomy, menstruation,mindfuck, nerves, nervous, New Year, Oncotype DX, parenting, party, period, plastic surgeon,post op, presents, proceeds, raw, real life, recovery, santa, scared, smile, snoopy, spirit, strength,strong, surgeon, surgery, survivor, suture, testing, titanium marker, tits, tumors, Uncategorized,viral, weight, xanax

Bred For Its Skills In Magic….The Liger

If you guys knew anything of my before my #badboob and this whole fucking breast cancer ordeal, you know I was forever finding snacks and treats in my bras at the end of the evening. Hell, I’d even find some of my body jewelry hiding in there-you know those tricky fucking internal screw tragus earrings. I’d find the gems in my bra all the time….Thank fuck they never really got lost and didn’t have to invest in new body jewelry.

So with having my bilateral mastectomy 17 days ago, I thought long gone where the days of storing snacks in my bra for later consumption—Oh boy was I wrong. Tara, how the fuck are you still getting crumbs falling down your shirt when you have no tits, you may be thinking to yourselves. Well kids, when one eats in bed—crumbs happen….And goddammit….of crumbs have happened….lots of those crunchy little fuckers.

What a lovely cornucopia of chips, peanuts, veggie jerky pieces & other delightful pieces fell to the floor when undoing this lovely post mastecto bra last night. Needless to say, Boston, the dog was very pleased with the treats I bestowed upon him.

My pain level is subsiding. Will be driving for the first time today to the The Carolina Ale House of Garner, to have lunch with my son, who happens to be a server there. He is also the first recipient of the First Annual Spartan Award! It will be nice to get out and enjoy a meal in which I neither need to cook or clean or pay for. Score!

My swelling is going down as well. I still have a hard time comprehending my new [temporary] silhouette looking in the mirror. Even at my smallest, I still looked big because of my big obnoxious tits. Now with them gone, I am instantly slim….Goddammit, what a life/mind changer that is. I’ve still lots of bruising, but that too is normal and healing quite well. No infections-Yay

Unfortunately my extra weight is still sticking….Seriously, how the hell is that possible?….My boobs were huge, I thought for sure some weight would have dropped….Meh….All in due time I suppose. We’ve begun walking the dog again, every couple of days, nice and slow we are taking it.

Each day I am meeting new women recently diagnosed with breast cancer, recently underwent their own bilateral mastectomy. I feel fortunate my blog is reaching others and potentially helping others cope. You tell me you laugh….you cry…when reading my updates….most importantly you tell me you are checking yourself or having spouse check herself. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Until a cure for cancer is found, we have to be diligent with our bodies. Know them inside and out. And get checked when something feels off. Insurance or not. I fall in the non-insured adult category, yet still had myself checked; because I knew in my heart it was cancer.

Feel free to ask any and all questions. Normal, gross, inquisitive, I’ll answer them all to the best of my knowledge.

Thank you again everyone for your continued daily support-emotional, physical, financial-all the support is appreciated and never turned down. When I am in a good place financially, I plan to give back as much as I can to my community.

Much love to all you beautiful fuckers. xx

Detachable Nipples

Posted on January 5, 2016 by badboobandshit under badboob, biopsy, Breast Cancer, breast reduction, breath, breathe, Cancer, cancer is a whore, double mastectomy, drain bulb, early detection, emotions, environmental, family, feel yourself, fml, friendship, fuck cancer, generosity,grief, guilt, happiness, health, holidays, hope, hospital, Invasive ductile carcinoma, invasive lobular carcinoma, life, love, mammogram, mark up, mastectomy, mindfuck, nervous, New Year, Oncotype DX, plastic surgeon, raw, real life, recovery, scared, smile, spirit, strength,strong, surgeon, survivor, testing

I’m not one to usually complain about aliments. [We all suffer daily, whether it’s physically or emotionally or just dealing with your basic fucktard.] This morning I awoke in so much pain, the tears just began streaming down my face before I could even remove myself from bed. Fortunately, this morning allowed for a little extra snuggle time since hubby had a late start today. I was able to lie down, snuggled in his arm and the fortress of pillows we’ve erected since surgery until my cocktail of pain meds kicked in.

Ya know, I learned you can produce tears & not even know your’re crying. The fuck? Right? This phenomena has happened to me a lot since fucking breast cancer decided to invade my boob. My eyes will begin streaming, I’ll wipe and think-fuck, I’m crying again. 

Today makes 14 days since I’ve been in the hospital. 14 days since I lost my boobs. 14 days since the cancer was extracted from my breast tissue. 14 days of being uncomfortable with sleeping, walking, dressing & general lifing.

Since we are working folks, we don’t have the luxury for hubby to stay home to ensure I heal fully and properly. As some of you may know, five years olds can sometimes act like monkeys on meth….They are a crazy, but lovable type of human….Children that is, not meth monkeys. So, I try to ‘rest’ & ‘recover’ as much as I can with a five year old running a muck.

Met with my oncologist, Dr. Stacy Telloni, yesterday. Thought I’d be learning of my cancer treatment & how to remain free from that fucking beast that is cancer. She said the invasive lobular cancer has kinda blurred some margins & shit. Therefore she has ordered an OncoType DX Breast Cancer Test. The results from this test should arrive in about three weeks. This test will determine the amount, strength & all that other shit that goes into chemotherapy.

Fortunately for me, they’ll use the breast tissue extracted from my bilateral mastectomy to study the cells, no more skin needs to be scraped from me to perform this. My next appointment with her is 2/4/16–rest assured I’ll keep those who are reading my bloggy in the loop. I will need chemo, which I understand is another necessary evil to keep the goddamned cancer at bay.

I’ve been reading up on nipple reconstruction recently. Did you know they can take labia tissue to construct nipples? They do 3d tattoo nipples. I held a prosthetic boob yesterday, much different than I imagined.

TBT prior to breast cancer and my own bilateral mastectomy, I’d never given the loss of my nipples any consideration at all. Another thing I must contend with when looking in the mirror. And I realize it’s only been 14 days, but I’m still bruised and swole as fuck. I see my plastic surgeon 1/19/15 and get my first fill-up in my expanders. That should be fun….not….I hear this is a painful process and many women stop before they achieve their goal size….We shall see how this affects me.

Oh! And after 13 days, the second drainage tube was finally removed. Goddamned fucker gushed like a fucking geyser I tell ya! But is was such a relief to have that tubing gone from my body….Again, I think this goes back to our ability to adapt to our ‘new normal’. After 13 days, it become my norm to drain & record the fluid from those pesky bulbs. They wrapped me like a mummy to ensure the blood did not leak through my clothes. And I left the oncology office in tears over the pain from tube removal–big ole fucking ouchy.

We have begun yet another new year. I hope you guys were able to ring it in with friends and family by your side; we certainly did. Hopefully this year I will remain cancer free…You will remain cancer….No matter the cancer…all cancers suck ass.

HAPPY NEW BOOBS…ERM I MEAN YEAR

Posted on December 31, 2015 by badboobandshit under badboob, biopsy, Breast Cancer, breast reduction, breath, breathe, Cancer, cancer is a whore, christmas, family, elf on the shelf,concern, double mastectomy, drain bulb, early detection, emotions, environmental, family, feel yourself, fml, friends, friendship, fuck cancer, generosity, gift, grief, guilt, happiness, health,holidays, hope, hospital, Invasive ductile carcinoma, invasive lobular carcinoma, life, life sucks,love, mammogram, mark up, mastectomy, mindfuck, nerves, nervous, New Year, parenting,party, peen, plastic surgeon, post op, presents, proceeds, raw, real life, recovery, santa, scared,smile, snoopy, spirit, strength, strong, surgeon, surgery, survivor, tits, tumors

2015 Recap:

• Found lump in my breast 51 days ago
• Learned lump was cancer 38 days ago
• Two different cancers and both boobs removed from 9 days ago
• Alive and cancer free

What fucking year for me….For you….I know you guys have been dealing with some hardcore shit too….Fucking life is a bitch at times….Life is also good at times.

I’ve learned a lot about myself, my strength, my courage, my family; their strength and determination to keep me healthy, comfortable and healing properly. I always knew I was strong, I had no doubt about that….I may not always want to be strong….but it is what I have to do to survive and have our family unit run as smooth [bumpy, crooked, off the goddamned track] as possible.

So, last night….I had my first shower since surgery. Oh what a glorious feeling to have my hubby wash out all that goddamned dry shampoo that’s been sprayed on my head the past eight days….Oh what a tragic site to see myself fully unclothed for the first time….I kept psyching myself up all day….I’m not gonna cry, I’m not gonna cry….was my mantra for the day….

Well, I cried & cried on my husband’s shoulders….he reassured me all will be okay….then took a very deep breath and stepped into the wonderful stream of warm water and let it wash away all my tears and worries; if only momentarily. It was quite shocking to see me body and what once were my gifuckinormous & obnoxious breasts hung. When hub was rinsing my hair & face and I bent over, not breasts weighed me down….No breasts swinging left and right…No breasts getting in my me….No breasts….

Trying to prepare oneself to view their altered body is a big goddamned obstacle no matter who you are. I know slicing the tits off my body was necessary for me to keep my health. And I’ve been peeking at my (lack of) boobs for a few days making sure they remain clean and irritant free.

Medically speaking, the incisions look good & clean. The left drain bulb is still there and will remain until January 4th, unfortunately. Today the fluid was dark red as opposed to the orangey I’ve grown accustomed to seeing. The plastic surgeons office reassured me, this is normal & still healthy.

Mentally speaking, I’m still all sorts of fucked up. Obv, ya know. I just lost my breasts to cancer….fucking cancer…fucking two different goddamned cancers….But having you guys and your fuckery in the palm of my hand had been a tremendous boost to my well-being. Again, I thank each and every single one of you who have walked this road with me. I heart you guys and shit so hard!

I’ve not disclosed my treatment plan as I’ve yet to meet with my oncologist. I have the info the breast surgeon gave me, but I need to hear it from oncology before I release to you guys. It’s looking good….But fuck *insert giggle* if my treatment is what they say,  I feel guilty for getting off so easy; beside the losing my tits part. More on treatment next week.

19 just to 5 to CVS for more Advil and chocolates. I shall catch a quick nap.

Happy Fucking New Year to each and every single one of you beautiful motherfuckers.

Be kind to yourselves and each other.